Crimson & Crowley: Boost bachelor parties with pop culture spins

The month of June brings many things: the true beginning of summer, the chance for the Green Lantern movie to crush my dreams and weddings, so many weddings.

It’s no wonder it’s such a popular time of year to get hitched. The weather’s nice, and back when they used Elizabethan hygiene practices, people likely still smelled nice from a yearly bath in May.

A copious amount of nuptials means one thing: lots and lots of bachelor and bachelorette parties.

You could follow the standard route of free roaming debauchery in Las Vegas, but you’re much more clever than that.

Unfortunately though, you’re not clever enough to do anything but adapt pop culture waste and use words like metatextual and post-modern to describe it.

Now if you have a literary bent, you might consider recreating the fateful voyage of the Pequod whale boat from “Moby Dick.” Nothing says romantic bliss like taking up a quest for revenge on a dumb brute that was only defending itself.

Living out your Melville derived fantasies might be tricky, given that whaling is banned in most countries and you most likely don’t have the know-how to run a 19th-century whaling vessel, but don’t let that stop you from chasing him “around the Norway maelstrom and around perdition’s flame.”

If the thought of recreating a novel that features an allegory for the Tammany Hall political machine isn’t up your alley, consider literature’s lazy cousin: film. 

The third act of “Jaws” is basically the same as “Moby Dick,” in that they both feature a captain whose single-mindedness leads to his own downfall. There’s no exploding scuba tank in “Moby Dick” for those of you that never got to the end.

With this option, you won’t have to travel as much and most people hate sharks, unlike whales. In some circles they are referred to as the Lebron James of the animal kingdom.

Sure, there’s the possibility of you or one of the groomsmen or bridesmaids being eaten, but you’ve worked too darn hard memorizing Robert Shaw’s U.S.S. Indianapolis monologue for that to matter.

I suppose you could use one of the robotic sharks from the film, but what’s the fun in testing your survival skills against something that smells like a leaky go kart?

If you find the idea of killing an animal to be completely repugnant, then I suggest this final option: recreating The Beatles’ rooftop concert. You won’t have to deal with all the misery and tension of “Let It Be,” and you’ll still get the joyful experience of playing music in the open air.

Here you face the possibility the police could drag you and your wedding party from your instruments right in front of the camera.

Should that happen, then congratulations are in order because you got the ending The Beatles wanted for the “Let It Be” film. And should your groomsmen and bridesmaids survive, they’re sure to have memories they will carry, along with mental and physical scars, for the rest of their lives.

On the positive side, pulling a stunt like this means you’ll never have to be in another wedding party ever again.

You can find the silver lining in anything if you look hard enough.