Living the Dream

The American Dream. People used to think it had something to do with the freedom to prosper in this country, or knowing that your children could be more prosperous than you were.

Those people were wrong.

The American Dream is about making as much money as possible, regardless of who you have to screw over, then spending that money on the coolest gizmos available.
Here are a few paths to choose from that lead to success:

One way to make a gajillion dollars (a technical term) is to contribute to American culture and the humanities in a meaningful way. That means becoming an artist whose vision lends commentary and inspires global and self-awareness. Obviously this is the dumbest way to make money, as it requires creativity and a soul.
Another option is to pursue a career that reliably makes a lot of money, like those of doctors and lawyers.

Unfortunately, these careers require long schooling and maybe even some intellectual curiosity. So they’re really not worth the effort.

The best and final option is to secure any kind of Wall Street related career that generates an obscene salary off the misfortune of others.

There’s nothing more economical than maximizing profits and minimizing effort and ethics.

However, you achieve the American Dream — and if you didn’t succeed, that means you just weren’t trying hard enough, you bum — the next step is to take that wealth and frivolously spend it on yourself.

Start with cars because this is America, damnit. Get rid of that Taurus and replace it with 11 inefficient imported sports cars. When your fellow citizens get turned away from the gas station because you’ve emptied all the reserves out to fill up your fleet, they’ll be left admiring your consumerism. Blast some Lee Greenwood while you’re driving away, just so everyone can recognize how well you’re living the dream.

Next, replace all of your electronics with top of the line products. I recommend Apple because everyone will know you spent a lot once they see that really cool logo. You’ll also need hedge sculptures. You’re nobody until you have hedge sculptures.

There are a million other things you need to buy to fulfill the American Dream, but in the interest of time I’ll cut it short and leave one last piece of wisdom: It’s not what you buy with your unearned money that counts, but how many people know that you bought it.