Column: Facial hair fiascos

As I left Woodburn Hall last week, intent on making a run to Taco Bell before my next class, I witnessed something intriguing.

A male “hipster” walked by sporting one of the thickest handlebar mustaches I’ve ever seen.

It was very nicely crafted, reminiscent of a recent Heineken commercial that introduced the “Heineken Handlebar,” so kudos on the grooming, person-who-I-do-not-know-but-has-an-awesome-mustache.

Still, I don’t like facial hair. It’s not that I’m freaked out by it; I can admire this mode of personality expression. I’m just not a fan.

I don’t know what makes guys want to grow mustaches, goatees, beards, soul patches or any other type of prominent facial hair. Some of my friends have told me they don’t like to shave because it irritates their skin. Another friend liked his beard because it kept his face warm in the winter.

But have you realized how many types of facial hair there are?

Dyers.org sells a poster with 33 styles of facial hair. I’d like to add one called “The Frida Kahlo,” a female mustache paired with the artist’s notorious unibrow.

It’s crazy how many styles guys can wear, and how much precision they employ with their razors and trimmers.

However, that does not make their facial hair attractive.

Leonardo DiCaprio, Ashton Kutcher and Brad Pitt are all very attractive men who have tried beards. They are also actors who cannot pull off the look.

Jonathan Goldsmith, Dos Equis’ “Most Interesting Man In the World” and George Clooney, in contrast, can pull off the look — but I’m still not a fan.

I’m just one of those girls that doesn’t really like facial hair on a guy. Scruff is nice, but at a certain point it becomes a little too much.

As one of my girlfriends likes to say, “You don’t like to end up with beard burn on your face.”

In addition, some styles are just creepy. With names such as “Klingon,” “Rap Industry Standard” and “The Mighty El Insecto,” some things should be left to specific situations, such as living in the Star Trek universe or just left out of the equation altogether.

Here are some circumstances where intricate facial hair is OK or even necessary:

You are Amish.
You are older than the age of 50.
You are a hobo.
You are the most interesting man in the world.
You can pay people to like it.

Now, a quick, personal story to make you chuckle:

I was about 5 years old, and my dad had sported a goatee for as long as I could remember. One day I was outside playing and having fun. My dad came out of the house, and I freaked.

He had shaven his face and had come out to show me. I’m told I started crying because I didn’t recognize him.

So there it is: facial hair can be weird or be a situational mode of expression. And, friend-of-mine-who-has-a-beard-at-this-point-in-time, you know who you are; you look quite dapper and fit into the elite group of men who can pull it off.

Ta!

—samkirby@indiana.edu