1 Hat
This flat-billed IU hat shows the freshman’s enthusiastic school spirit
and his eagerness to run out the door and show his trendy, mature, new
style — all before he remembers to remove the tags and price stickers.
2 Frat Glasses
These stunner shades were either picked up from the floor of a
fraternity’s house or secretly purchased at the local bookstore so the
freshman could appear to be a total frat star. Either way, he is
announcing to all IU upperclassmen: “I’ve got swagger, yo,” when in
reality he smells of suburbia and his mom’s fabric softener.
3 Smile
Flaunting his glistening Colgate Max White smile, the freshman naively
assumes he is in for the ride of his life — independence at last. He has
no notion of the atrocities associated with midterms and finals and has
yet to experience the devastating reality of how irrelevant his
opinions are to his 100-level professors.
4 Cigarette
The signature trademark of the cigarette — also known as the cig, ciggy
or square to the freshman — is pretty much the only way this freshman
has an “in” to talk to people at the smoking table.
5 Headphones
The top-of-the-line headphones, complete with massive bass fold and
swivel mechanisms, give off an air that the freshman is into new-age
electronic dubstep or even a little blues by The Originator (Bo
Diddley), when he’s actually listening to the hit single “Baby” from
Justin Bieber’s first album, “My World.”
6 Receipt
This is the thousand-dollar receipt the freshman totes around after
purchasing his textbooks at the overpriced IU Bookstore. He has yet to
learn of the mystical discount site called Amazon, where he can purchase
his required readings for half the price.
7 Lanyard
The lanyard is the deadliest giveaway of the freshman ensemble. This
IU-spirited cloth string doubles as a super cool accessory and a place
to hold all of the things that give away his freshman status: keys, ID
and his
graduation gift, a Qdoba gift card.
8 "How Can You Be Involved?" Flyer
This piece of unrecycled material is a call-out for freshmen to “Get
involved today!” Most likely, this freshman will spread himself thinly
over a series of useless extra-curriculars under the false notion that
he is building his résumé and future success.
9 Daniel Weber
The original creator of the famous IU anthem “This is Indiana” has a
special place in the heart of each freshman, encompassing what it truly
means to take pride in Hoosier basketball,. The YouTube sensation told
him to put his hands up if he’s a “B-town boy”, but he has no idea that
Daniel Weber not only wants him to put his hands down ... but to back
away ... very ... slowly.
The Anatomy of a Freshman
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