Amendments to the Indiana Hoosier Bucket List

The following is a list of everything you should do during your time at IU that you probably won’t think of:

Cross your fingers and ask that weird kid in your K201 class to go to Culture Fest with you. Aww, snap, your first non-high school friend!

Leave Culture Fest after five minutes when you realize how underwhelming it is despite all the hype created by Bloomington tour guides and the cute older brothers of your high school friends.

Awkwardly avoid people you barely knew in high school and resist the temptation to scream at them the first week, “Oh, God. Please be my friend. We have to stick together.”

Have a fight with your roommate because no one should touch the thermostat but you. She doesn’t even know how to turn it on.

Find a temporary home on an Indiana Memorial Union couch after you lose the argument.

Be asked to leave by the building manager because, seriously, you don’t live here.
Discover the IMU “basement” after failing to find a table with an outlet at Starbucks. Good luck, suckers. Those outlets rarely work.

Sit front row at the Comedy Attic. Become the comedian’s target. Laugh good-naturedly. Cry hysterically at home.

Avoid Panda Express at all costs, but become jealous of the rich kids living above it.
Consider graduating early. Realize that’s stupid. The real world sucks. Become a fifth-year senior.

Relish the beautiful IU campus that made you say, “Screw you, Purdue! I don’t need an engineering degree to get a job!”

Hear Purdue cackling madly 100 miles away now that your campus has been overtaken by multiple eyesore construction projects.

Consider transferring to Purdue.

Consider changing your major. Change your major. Change your major again.

Get into a fight with your parents about your major. Really? English? Who do you think is going to hire an English major? Just become a pharmacist already.

Politely surrender your change to the well-dressed kids raising money for breast cancer awareness. Secretly wonder who isn’t aware of breast cancer.

Be told you’re going to hell by Brother Jed. Tell Brother Jed you are in hell.

Feel guilty the first few times you hold up traffic crossing 10th Street by the B-school. Then adopt the motto “Students always have the right of way.” Become accustomed to pissing off drivers on a daily basis.

Tailgate. Never attend a football game.

See a dog. Miss your dog. Move out of the dorms so you can get another dog. Just kidding. Semester abroad. Ain’t nobody gonna watch that dog for you.

Dress up for 8 a.m. classes for the first couple weeks. Blow-dry your hair. Put on makeup. Just kidding. Stop showering for 8 a.m. classes. Stop showering for finals week.

Get a job at the Indiana Daily Student. Gloat because you are a hotshot journalist. Discover how massive the staff is. Just kidding. You’re not special.

Stare blankly at your screen. Beg it for a thesis. A sentence. Rest your head on the table, and consider escaping to Disney World.

Learn that the beret-wearing, mustached guy from MythBusters graduated from IU. He was a Russian major. Regain a sense of hope. Forge ahead bravely.

­— ambhendr@indiana.edu