So you've given your Valentine a human heart

I see all that transpires in the lives of IU students, and occasionally, moved by pity or need of a paycheck, I write a column offering guidance for navigating the complexities of modern college life.

Also, there appears to be more alcohol than blood in my circulatory system.

It is a combination of these traits that has led me to address a problem faced by many awkward college valentines, but rarely discussed frankly and openly.

First off, I want to remind you, no one is judging you.

I understand how stressful this time of the year can be.

If you’re like me, it seems unfathomable that your significant other could actually want roses, a box of chocolates and an eye-bleedingly garish Hallmark card.

You were just attempting to be spontaneous and creative.

Your heart was in the right place.

Well, figuratively. That’s sort of the problem, isn’t it?

So, you’ve just given your significant other a human heart?

Don’t panic. These things happen.

Frankly, I’m as shocked as you that she wasn’t impressed by your attention to detail.

Trust me, though — I’ve been around long enough to conclusively state that reactions like that are pretty normal.

If it makes you feel better, she’s probably not going to finish medical school anyway with a reaction like that.

Forget her for a second, though, and think about everything you’ve learned.

Firstly, with a little bit of smooth-talking and moderately decent forgery, they’ll just give you a medical cadaver.

Secondly, Valentine’s Day can be a really confusing holiday.

Out of deference for those readers who were raised by wolves, raised in Nebraska or just who have never been loved, let’s start with the basics.

Valentine’s Day is an annual celebration of the spontaneity of love and romance.

Of course, the casual observer might mistake this holiday for the other February holiday, Mardi Gras, which is a celebration of the spontaneity of alcohol and boobs.

Coincidentally though, Mardi Gras, like most holidays, also discourages gifting human hearts.

What makes Valentine’s Day so very confusing is that we, the tragically hip, are aware that we are supposed to hate it.

It’s artificial, materialistic and a vector for countless STDs, like the Kim Kardashian of holidays.

These days, noting that Valentine’s Day is a consumerist ploy is about as edgy and counterculture as insisting that the earth revolves around the sun.

Yes, this is all true, but it’s also a holiday where people give gifts, drink wine and have sex.

Your scathing comments really can’t compete.

So, here’s my advice. Never mind all the bollocks about Christmas.

We have forgotten the true meaning of Valentine’s Day.

It’s about orgies and martyring saints and celebrating the people closest to us, be it with a sappy greeting card, a drunken singles’ night, sarcasm or a cadaver’s heart.

So, here’s to you, human-heart guy.

Not for the whole desecration of corpses thing, which is kind of wildly illegal, but for trying to navigate the clichés and make a meaningful gesture.

Although, if you try to patch things up with this girl, maybe display a little less creativity.

Like, invite her over for a movie, one that isn’t “Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom.”

­— stefsoko@indiana.edu