Been there, done that, bought the education, still miserable

I don’t like to think that my college career has been a waste of time.  

After all, with four years of my youth and thousands of dollars down the drain, seriously entertaining that prospect would render it impossible for me to get out of bed for at least a week.

And, even though I keep saying this, and I don’t even know what it means, I’ve learned a lot.

I’ve learned what caffeine pills feel like. I’ve learned you can stay up for three straight days during dead week, and your bosses might send you home from work because they feel bad for you.

I’ve learned how it feels to fill up a clear plastic water bottle with white wine, skip all of your classes and take a nap in the park in the middle of the day.

I’ve learned that when a party runs out of beer, you can walk down the street to another party, fill up your cup at the keg and then return to the real party.

You can do this anywhere between three to five times in one night and carry up to four cups without looking too suspicious.

Arguably, I could have learned some of these things without the help of college, and then I would have way more money.

All jokes aside, consider for a moment that there have been times in your college career that have been actual, real, total and complete wastes of time and money.

Can we not pretend for a second that every precious living moment is valuable and that we’re all living each day like its our last, and we are going to get “carpe diem” tattooed on our ankles? That sometimes it just feels like you are hemorrhaging money only to make yourself feel more miserable than ever?

Sometimes we have to take classes because it is required and absolutely nothing else will fit into our schedule.

God forbid you might actually have to spend another semester in college because you didn’t suck it up, swallow your pride and enroll in that class about wilderness survival.

Maybe I’m coming across as an entitled brat, complaining about the trivial pitfalls of my otherwise valuable education.

This is because I’ve spent most of my life living as an entitled brat in academic institutions that are also full of thousands of other entitled brats.

In the words of Vitamin C, “So if we get the big jobs/ And we make the big money/ When we look back now/ Will our jokes still be funny?”

No, no they won’t, Vitamin, because you failed to consider singing about crippling student loan debt and that college students are literally never funny.

So, here I am, world. With four years of learning nearly behind me, I’m finally ready to function within you.  

Take me as I am.

­— atstone@indiana.edu