Keep calm and Carry On: Dealing with Grief

Question: Help! One of my roommates and best friends just lost one of her parents and is having a very hard time. I feel so bad for her and want to help, but do not want to intrude at all. She says she appreciates the support, but I don’t know exactly how to support her. What can I do to show her I care and be there for here in an appropriate way?
— Anonymous IU student.

Answer: It is terribly difficult, not only to have to grieve for someone, but also to watch a friend go through the same stages.

First of all, pat yourself on the back for embracing your friend in a time of need in the right way. She is very lucky to have you. Grieving is a very tragic time, especially when we are separated from home and stuck in school’s frenzy of responsibilities. The most important thing you can do for your friend after she has lost a parent is remind her she is not alone and is cared for deeply and greatly. Listening, doing and supporting are the three main ways to be there in the way a best friend needs you most.

1. Listening. It is normal to worry about what to say to someone in this position, but listening is the most important action. Don’t wait for your friend to come to you. While you shouldn’t force her, it is important to encourage talking, expressing feelings and letting some of the thoughts and grief be said out loud. Acknowledge her feelings and remind her it’s OK to be angry, to feel upset and to react without being judged. Be ready to just sit. Sometimes the person grieving won’t know what to say, but needs the comfort of someone around. Let her talk about whatever comes to mind and know that the pain will decrease the more they acknowledge the reality of the situation. Never say you know exactly how she feels, as every situation is very different. However, if you have suffered a similar loss or know someone who has and think sharing would be comforting, don’t be afraid to bring it up.

2. Doing. Do something that will remind your friend that she is still cared about, as it will help with the grieving process. Don’t ask what you can do — sometimes the extra attention can make a grieving friend very uncomfortable. Instead, do little things: pick up her groceries, clean her room, bring home a magazine or make dinner one night, lend a movie, do their laundry. The little moments of help during the hard days will help lessen the feelings that the world is over and help remind your friend that she will be OK and is very cared for. Take initiative and do what makes her happy without making her seem at all like an extra burden.

3. Supporting. Ongoing support is the most important way to help a friend. The grieving process can last a long time and can be accompanied by extreme behaviors and emotions while the different stages pass. Don’t take these reactions personally or be scared away. Instead, offer ongoing support and be there for the long haul. Don’t expect that one day your friend will wake up and be “over it.” Make it clear you are always open to talk and will always be a support system. On special days where the person may be thinking more about her lost parent or her family, write a note to show that you will be thinking of your friend that day and spend the evening together, doing whatever makes her feel more at ease. Suggest that your friend visit a counselor or set up a regular counseling session for some extra support during time.

­— espitzer@indiana.edu