A new, better dictionary

We’ve all seen it.

The bald man in the middle of the dance floor at a wedding making all of the 15-year-old girls uncomfortable. With each additional pelvic thrust, the bubble of awkwardness grows. Each bead of sweat dripping down his nose is sickening and somehow impressive.

We call it creepy, we call it awkward, but now we have something definitive to call it.
It’s called “dad dancing” and it’s a real term.

In the Oxford English Dictionary’s most recent update, they included “dad dancing” in the new batch of inductees. It is defined as “an awkward, unfashionable, or unrestrained style of dancing to pop music, as characteristically performed by middle-aged or older men.” 

I hadn’t even heard of “dad dancing,” which sadly means that I am most likely one of the offenders. When I looked at my array of handclaps, side steps and head bobs, I realized I am not only an offender, but also a pioneer.

I’m waiting for my cut from Oxford.

Nevertheless, with the inclusion of a phrase like “dad dancing,” a lot more slang should be added. Here are my revisions for the next edition of the dictionary.

Fratbro (noun):
Often spotted in tank tops listening to Drake, this animal cannot think for himself. “The pack of fratbros set up a beer pong table in the middle of the Mac Miller concert.”

Kardashian (verb):
To forget simple things about life. “I poured cereal directly onto my head the other day, I totally Kardashianed.”

Miami Heat fan (noun): 
Someone who understands nothing about basketball. “Lucy’s brother has not watched a single game of basketball in the last five years, so he is a Miami Heat fan.”

Bieber (noun):
Something that is on course for a sad, quick demise. “With the salmon approaching the shark’s mouth, a Bieber was inevitable.”

Father’s-Day-ish (adjective): 
Not well thought out, put together last minute. “The Father’s-Day-ish office party was, no surprise, a disaster, with all of the food being bought at the CVS next door an hour before the party began.”

Fox News (noun):
Any news that is outlandish to the point of falsity. “The Onion produces Fox News.”

These changes should take place immediately. I already have emailed Oxford to petition for these new words, but they replied that my plan was a Bieber.

Ouch.

­— lewicole@indiana.edu