Grade: F
Oh, those kooky, thick-headed white teenagers, with their incompetence for common sense and needlessly toying with demonic spirits.
What hilarious mishaps will befall our intrepid hooligans?
Find out in the hit comedy “Product Placement: The Movie,” this Halloween!
Oh wait, it’s actually called “Ouija,” and it’s supposed to be a horror film. My bad.
What is correct about the film is that everyone in this wreck is so absolutely brain dead, it’s a miracle the audience and myself remembered how to exit the theater, much less walk in general. Of course, with it being a Michael Bay production, that’s a given.
The rundown of the film is this: Some girl messes with a spirit board and dies. Now it’s up to her sister to unravel the mystery behind her death.
But how would one accomplish such a feat?
By trying to contact her using the exact same spirit board that killed her, isn’t it obvious? What’s the worst that could happen when contacting demons from beyond our realm?
At the risk of sounding redundant, nothing good, apparently. Apologies for spoiling the plot twist.
The acting, however, is a different story.
The mannequins that try to portray human beings in “Ouija” try their best with what they’ve got, even with the enormous setbacks that hinder their bodies.
If it weren’t for that, they could’ve easily perfected the style of showing actual human emotions, traits and maybe even personalities.
Is that asking too much? Probably, but one can dream.
But no film of this magnitude would be complete without its fair share of laziness and cheap jump scares, due to the painfully obvious fact that this was slapped together to pay off some parking tickets.
Any semblance of horror, or anything that would actually evoke a reaction, didn’t seem to appear in the minds of the writers.
“Ouija” is the embodiment of every single tired and beaten cliché, stereotype and trope that has been endlessly parodied in every shape and form all due to Bay’s inability to use his vast amount of wealth and influence to produce anything even remotely decent or watchable instead of throwing it at a rubber wall to see if it’ll stick.
In the end, it’s just another defective product off of Michael Bay’s assembly line, which is somehow still functioning.
Unfortunately, there are no refunds given in this type of business.
