I went into the IU Health Center the other day and when I went to check in with the receptionist, I realized to my very small, inexplicable disappointment she seemed completely apathetic to the fact that I was there. She gave me the forms I needed to fill out, and that’s it. She didn’t ask how I was. She didn’t make unnecessary small talk. The entire exchange was sterile and unimpressive.
Looking back, I realize that I wish more exchanges with strangers were like this. Yet when they are, I am disappointed, even though I don’t enjoy hovering salespeople at clothing stores or waiters dithering around restaurant tables, eager to please.
I was disappointed because I expected, perhaps even dreaded, engaging her in small talk, and in the space created by that absence, I felt disappointment. But in reality, the encounter went perfectly well. I began thinking about my strange response to not getting something I didn’t want anyway, and that’s when it hit me. We can learn something from the attitude of the receptionist.
I know many people who dislike small talk and overly-talkative salespeople. Yet these same people feel the same expectation to be engaging when they don’t want to be.
That’s what we can learn from the receptionist. It’s okay not to be bright, boisterous and engaging in every social interaction. It’s not her job to be engaging, and it’s certainly not her job to pander to customers, as many of the most obnoxious waiters and ?salespeople do. There should be a firm line delineating obligatory social expectations and those that are reasonable social expectations. We should not feel obligated to engage in small talk or ask how one’s day was because, for many people, they don’t care about the answer. They just want to be polite, and an expectation has formed that unwanted and forced encounters — usually unwanted and forced on both sides — are polite. But think about it. Why would something that neither party wants to do be considered polite?
Of course, there are people who are gregarious and naturally concerned about the small details of others’ lives, but what I say shouldn’t deter them from being the gregarious people they are.
Certainly, I doubt they would care what I say anyway. But these are the people who you can readily tell are interested and who gain significant pleasure from following that interest through. And this makes an encounter bearable, even enjoyable, because this is a genuine display rather than a mechanical performance of caring. So why does this all matter? It doesn’t. At least, not in some ?grand way.
However, I think it’s important to take a step back and look at everything spread out in front of me and see if the things I’m doing are actually things that I want to be doing. The receptionist I talked to does not feel an obligation to observe these small, silent rules because, for her, there is no reason to follow them. She simply is there to do her job. Our jobs are to live the best we can in the manner we want. Everything else is secondary.
allenjo@indiana.edu
