The casual social observer needs little prompting to realize members of our culture are taught subconsciously to over-apologize.
This issue has been shown to take an especially heavy toll upon women, compelling them to apologize for completely reasonable acts such as doing their jobs, seeking clarification or simply occupying a seat or space.
In September of 2010, the University of Waterloo in Ontario, Canada, published two small studies about men and women’s experiences with apologies.
In the first study, men and women were asked to keep a diary and record every instance where they either committed or were on the receiving end of an offense, followed by noting whether or not an apology was issued.
The second study presented participants with a variety of scenarios and asked them to predict how they would typically respond.
The results of these studies show that while both men and women are fine with apologizing when they deem an action worthy of contrition, women are markedly more likely than men to feel the need to apologize.
Pantene released a powerful video, “Not Sorry,” in June 2014.
The first portion of the clip draws our attention to everyday scenarios when most women find themselves needlessly apologizing, such as asking a colleague a ?question. During the second half of the video, the same actresses reenact the scenes using assertive language that is polite but confident.
This video highlights the pervasiveness of over-apologizing, both in women and in our culture as a whole.
There is no need to say sorry for occupying space on a public bus or asking a ?professor a simple question.
Exchanges of this nature are meant to be neutral, equal interactions; however, we tend to automatically add a power dynamic by apologizing immediately. Superfluous and immediate apologizing can also harm an individual’s ?credibility.
By beginning a presentation, interview or meeting with some variation of “sorry,” we mark ourselves as uncertain and imply a possible lack of experience.
Instead, let’s encourage our peers, colleagues and selves to project surety in our work.
While we do not want to develop arrogance or false security, good things can come from an employee, student or friend who is willing to communicate clearly and assertively. Whether we realize it or not, the language we use paints a picture of our thoughts and feelings.
When speaking on behalf of ourselves, we are our own best advocates; no one else can understand our ?perspectives and reality ?better.
Commit to contemplating the words you use in everyday scenarios — perhaps you’ll find a need to speak with more assurance.
sjdickma@indiana.edu
