Liberals have had science in their favor for some time now, but today math is on the side of the conservative right. Or should we say the conservative correct?
The U.S. Department of Agriculture has released findings that indicate Americans on food stamps are more likely to suffer from obesity than the average American.
That’s right, readers of the Indiana Daily Student. Thanks to numbers, our opponents can no longer say that we can’t call the state-dependent poor a bunch of tubby, lazy schmucks.
Don’t worry. We’re as confused by this information as you are. How is it that those who are so supposedly poor they can’t afford food are clearly so well fed that it is becoming hazardous to their health? Are they eating pure lard or something?
I realize that many of these individuals weren’t the brightest kids in high school, but if the government — and by that we mean us taxpayers — gave you free money to buy food, why not invest in something better for you than Cheetos and Coco-Puffs?
These dummies should take a page from Gwyneth Paltrow’s book from when she did the food stamps challenge she talked about on the Insta-thing.?Sure, she couldn’t complete the challenge, but at least there were some greens in there. Besides, her dropping out of the challenge says more about how hard she worked to earn her life of comfort than it says anything else.
At the very least, these dependents could try eating grass. It doesn’t cost anything.
Speaking of grass, this only goes to show why we need people on food stamps to get drug tested. Nothing makes a shiftless state-draining couch potato more hungry than a joint almost as fat as they are.
We are told that these people on food stamps are working many jobs. Running from this place of work to that place of work would mean these people would be trimmer. They’re called the working class, and yet they clearly aren’t working that hard.
And we won’t even touch the racial implications of these findings (spoiler alert, math proves yet again that certain races are fundamentally more lazy and so much fatter than others).
There is no way these parents trying to support their impractically large families can feel proud of the example they’re setting for their kids.
It is bad enough they cannot demonstrate a respect for “the value and the culture of work” as Paul Ryan puts it so eloquently. They can’t even take care of their bodies, like Paul Ryan does so deliciously. So how can we expect them to take care of their finances?
Now, we know you might be thinking about the rich, fat conservatives in our government and how we may be coming off as hypocritical.
First of all, they’re almost exclusively older men. Except for a few golden paragons of youth and masculinity like Paul Ryan, you cannot expect people with such slow metabolisms to be rail thin like you’d maybe expect from a poor, starving person. That would be an unfair and uninformed expectation.
But it also cannot go without mention that the older, plumper gentlemen of our government aren’t actually as chunky as you think.
In fact, you can thank the liberal media for depicting them at unflattering angles all while hiding the fact that they all play basketball just as much as Almost-Ex-President Obama.
Besides, we prefer to refer to our diligent stewards of the right as robust, not fat. It’s different because it has a deserved dignity to it.
The plaque that lines their arteries is the hard-earned vein gravy from being born into families that grabbed their futures — not their Bugles chips — by the horns.
