Light up the grill and don your hamburger suit — “Bob’s Burgers” is back.
In the season-six premiere of Fox’s animated comedy, Bob Belcher faces the most terrifying moment of his sad existence: He’s losing his mustache. Oh, the horror.
His family is rightfully concerned. I mean, without his mustache, what is Bob’s true value? It’s his identifier. It’s basically his entire personality. Just there, pleasant, while also uncomfortable to look at.
Most importantly, it’s the reason Linda even gave him the time of day when they first met. Linda has a thing for mustaches, and when she saw that fuzzy caterpillar on Bob’s lip, nothing was going to keep her away from it — not even an engagement ring.
So naturally, you have to ask the question: What if Bob hadn’t had a mustache? Were Linda and Bob truly destined to be together, or did all the spark lie in that crumb catcher?
The Belcher kids decide it’s up to them to speculate and divide into team mustache and ... well, Tina.
Gene’s interpretation of Linda meeting a mustache-less Bob is a tale of tragedy, corruption and robotic facial hair.
Louise’s story is that of a Bob desperate to grow facial hair to win Linda’s affection. After trying hair creams, gluing fake eyelashes to his lip and using “Hair in a Can,” Bob turns to a magical fortune telling machine. But it wouldn’t be a Louise story if everything went right for Bob.
Yeah, Bob gets his mustache. But that’s not all he gets. Oh, no. Bob’s mustache leads to a soul patch, then a unibrow, then muttonchops and soon Linda is sitting across the table from Sasquatch in a yellow polo.
Bob ends up as a freak show in a circus and Linda is behind bars. Naturally.
Poor Tina is left trying to maintain her belief that her parents were destined to be together. But after listening to her siblings spin tales of woe, she just can’t feel the love anymore.
Soon, she can only imagine Linda marrying Hugo and having three pleasant children while Bob becomes a bitter health inspector who never grew a mustache.
It’s dark.
Very dark.
Tina loses her faith in love and the world.
But don’t fret. This is “Bob’s Burgers,” and it’s not here to leave you with a bitter taste in your mouth. And that’s probably the best part of the show.
Every episode ends on a relatively happy note and not in a way that makes you roll your eyes. The show takes these obnoxious characters in a relatable familial situation — broke, mostly sad — and stresses them out until you’re relieved when everything works out.
Because you like to see the Belchers happy. Or at least content.
