Grade: D
There have been plenty of adaptations of J.M. Barrie’s legendary story “Peter Pan.” Most people my age were likely first exposed to Disney’s 1953 version.
But the boy who wouldn’t grow up expanded beyond the Disney vault to 1991’s “Hook” starring Robin Williams as Peter, a shameful Disney sequel in 2002, 2003’s “Peter Pan” with Jeremy Sumpter and the 2011 TV mini-series “Neverland.”
Now, thanks to the efforts of “Pride and Prejudice” director Joe Wright, we have “Pan.” Let’s just say I have a lot of feelings about this movie.
The short version: It’s a piece of shit.
The long version: It’s a traditionally great story ruined by bad acting, out-of-place pop culture references and cultural appropriation.
“Pan” is the awful prequel to Disney’s “Peter Pan.” There are no Darling children being whisked away to Neverland this time. This is the story of how Peter ended up in the land where you never grow up.
The journey begins when Peter and his friends are kidnapped from their orphanage by bungee-jumping pirates.
Here’s where it all goes to hell.
As the flying ship sails into Blackbeard’s territory, the pirates are chanting Nirvana’s “Smells like Teen Spirit.” I shit you not.
Before your brain can properly process what the hell just happened, Hugh Jackman comes out as Blackbeard in the fakest wig I’ve ever seen and begins spouting some B.S. about giving the boys their liberty and yada, yada.
In reality, he’s enslaving them to work in his pixie dust mines where Peter meets Hook, a Clint Eastwood wannabe trying a little too hard to appear like he doesn’t care. But that could have just been Garrett Hedlund’s acting.
Hook and Peter plot an escape just to wind up captured by the Neverland natives. There, Peter learns about his destiny and the truth about his parents, and the rest is pretty predictable.
Now, let’s get to the good stuff. And by “good,” I mean what made this film absolute garbage.
The acting was all over the place. Jackman is talented but just didn’t mesh well with the caliber of acting of his co-stars. The contrast made me question a lot of his acting choices for Blackbeard — I didn’t know if it was bad or too good.
Hedlund needs to stop watching Western movies because his accent was tacky and the hat tipping was just obnoxious.
Rooney Mara was actually great as Tiger Lily. She did a great job displaying Tiger Lily’s stoic nature while letting her curiosity toward Hook and Peter show through.
The problem is that Mara shouldn’t have been cast as Tiger Lily in the first place. Tiger Lily is a Native American, not to mention one of the only traditional main characters who is a person of color, yet producers chose to white wash her into a red-haired white woman with a British accent.
I suspect the producers tried to cover their asses by turning the Neverland tribe into a blend of cultures including Native American and African.
If I wanted to see a bunch of white people prance around in headdresses and beaded crop tops, I would buy a pass to Coachella.
But I don’t because I kind of have this thing about racism. I don’t like it. At all.
Joe Wright let me down with “Pan.” I was expecting a grand adventure I would never want to end, but I was ready to jump off the plank 10 minutes in.
