“The Last Witch Hunter” starring Vin Diesel are words I truly never believed I would write. Alas, here I am at midnight trying to construct coherent paragraphs to describe a movie that made me wish I had been burned at the stake.
I got into the mess because I’m a witchcraft fanatic.
Witches and magic are broad concepts that are easy to manipulate and interpret. There isn’t a definite limit on what a witch can be. They can be young or old, ugly or beautiful, good or evil. There is an endless number of ways to define their powers and lore.
“The Last Witch Hunter” tried to experiment with the witches but their story fell to the backburner of our boring and hulkish hero, Kaulder.
Kaulder, played by Diesel, was part of a witch hunting party back in some ambiguous historical age when long beards and mohawks were in style — no, not the 1980s.
Kaulder and his fellow witch hunters were looking for the witch queen who was the cause of the plague. Kaulder is able to defeat the queen but before she dies, she curses him with immortality.
Eight centuries later Kaulder is still hunting witches but now he’s following a strict judicial system. Instead of killing witches he takes them to be judged by a witch council.
Things are going pretty well until Kaulder’s friend and handler, Dolan 36th, is almost murdered by witches.
This takes Kaulder on a long investigation where he runs into Rose Leslie’s character, a witch named Chloe. He uncovers deep-seated betrayals and a nightmare he thought he destroyed 800 years ago.
Kaulder is a flat character. He’s intelligent and strong as someone who has lived more than 800 years should be. But the tragedy of his situation is lost in his nearly inexistent personality. It’s difficult to feel any kind of emotion toward him.
Look guys, let’s be real here: Diesel can’t act. He emits about as much emotion as a frying pan and his talent is like a flickering light bulb you hold out hope for only to be disappointed when you’re suddenly left alone in the dark.
Leslie, on the other hand, is given a strong female character to play. Chloe is powerful but not invincible. She’s not an ice queen nor is she discarded as a weak overly emotional woman.
If I had an issue with Chloe it would be the awkward sexual tension between her and Diesel’s character perpetuated through prolonged moments of eye contact.
“The Last Witch Hunter” neglected what I would consider the most important part of its story: the witches. Instead, the writers and producers just seemed to focus on how many great shots they could get of Diesel’s biceps.
I needed less Diesel and more magic. And, really, that should be a life mantra by now.
Lexia Banks
