The internet has found the Zodiac Killer – NASA.
Last week, the much-renowned space agency added a long-forgotten constellation, Ophiuchus, to the zodiac, thus possibly changing the astrological sign of more than 86 percent of the world’s population.
Always identified as a Leo? Guess you’re a Cancer now. Could have sworn you were an Aries? Turns out you were a Pisces all along. Scorpio strong? Looks like you’re the unpronounceable Ophiuchus instead.
For those interested, Ophiuchus falls between the dates of Nov. 29 and Dec. 17. Think of it as an early Christmas gift that you neither wanted nor needed from your aunt, so you’re just going to toss it somewhere deep in your closet.
As one can imagine, astrology zealots around the world were not very keen about this news. In fact, for a few days, the internet embodied just one massive existential crisis.
Here are just a few of the responses to this change :
“IM LITERALLY THROWING A FIT ABOUT THE NEW ZODIAC CHANGE”
“My new star sign is some dude using a very confused snake to dry his testicles after getting out of the shower? Awesome! #ophiuchus.”
“So apparently NASA decided to change everybody’s zodiac signs RIGHT AFTER I got my Aries tattoo lmao love my life”
Now, to be fair, that last one actually sounds quite devastating. It’s like if you had your significant other’s name tattooed on you, only to find out that said person has actually been cheating on you for years.
Then you’re faced with either living with a lie on your neck or shoulder or wrist forever, or you could have the tattoo removed with a laser. Either way, it will be a hell of a painful experience.
Regardless, the plot twist here is that none of this is new.
Babylonians had known there were more than 12 constellations in the sky, but wanted to match up the number with the number of months in a year.
So if you’re upset at anyone, be upset with an ancient empire. I don’t know how good any of that will do you, but I suppose closure of any form is better than none at all.
NASA could care less about any of this, though.
They made a statement on their Tumblr page, which seems like the most reasonable way to reach zodiac enthusiasts, and stressed they want no part of astrology. They were simply trying to be accurate.
How dare they try to be accurate? Don’t they realize that in a nation where Donald Trump and Mike Pence are serious presidential and vice-presidential candidates, we don’t have time for accuracy?
Don’t worry, though. A tweeter had quite an appropriate response to this:
“How can we trust NASA with these new zodiac signs when they couldn’t decide if Pluto was a planet or not”
Savage.
