The aux cord. That fabled bundle of wire that can change the entire atmosphere of a function or car ride. The aux cord is the Holy Land of the dashboard; millions of couples and friends have had their version of the crusades, dying in piles of fast food wrappers and dented Red Bull cans.
The aux cord truly makes or breaks everything. It’s the Ark of the Covenant. It’s so powerful, and it should never be shared with someone who likes Chance the Rapper.
Here are my rules for the aux cord.
Rule #1: Don’t let the guy in a graphic tee choose the song
Someone should not be in their twenties and still shop at Hot Topic. Hot Topic is a terrifying place. I have never been in a Hot Topic because I am a coward. If you see anyone wearing Stranger Things shirts, do not let them touch the aux. They’ll probably play “Stronger” by Kanye for an hour and then try to play “Jesus is King” leaks off of Reddit for the next two.
Rule #2: Variety
This is probably the most important rule. If you’re in control of the aux, make sure that you’re playing something for everyone. You don’t want someone feeling left out. If you’re in a room full of indie kids but you know someone there likes rap, make sure you play something for that person too. And if you’re a rap head, make sure you play “Mr. Brightside” for all the kids wearing cuffed jeans.
Rule #3: Play all the indie crossover hits
You’ve got to play “Tongue Tied” by Grouplove. I know you don’t want to, I know you’re sick of it, but you have to. Someone is going to ask for it and then everyone is going to ask for it and then you have to play it. If you don’t want to play it, then put on “Pumped Up Kicks.”
Rule #4: Throwbacks
Sean Kingston, Jason Derulo and old Taylor Swift are always strong choices. Throwbacks provide beautiful moments of camaraderie. They transport everyone back to the late 2000s when the sun seemed to shine brighter and everyone didn’t have to think about getting a job.
Rule #5: No gospel or Christian music
This one doesn’t need to be explained.
Rule #6: You can only play one country song
And that song is “Meant to Be” by Bebe Rexha and Florida Georgia Line. It’s not a real country song, but that doesn’t matter to me because nothing matters at all. It’s stupid and the guy sings with a southern drawl and he says “Hold up, girl” in a hilarious way, so it must be country.
Rule #7: Nothing too heavy
Don’t hop on aux and play Phoebe Bridgers or American Football and think you’re cooler than everyone else. You can listen to them alone in your bedroom while you think about all the missed opportunities you’ve had in your life. No one wants to sit and stew in a plethora of bad feelings when they’re supposed to be having fun.
Rule #8: Don’t play any long songs
Long songs are great, but don’t hop on aux and play a song that lasts 10 minutes. Keep every song short and sweet so no one gets bored.
Rule #9: Please do not play freestyle beats
Do not play freestyle beats over the aux. I don’t care if the YouTube thumbnail is a picture of Bart Simpson. Please, stop. No beat is gonna turn you into DaBaby. You are a college student. You are not DaBaby.
Rule #10: Just have fun with it
Just kidding. There’s no such thing as having fun when you’re on aux. The fate of the function is in your hands. Your friends will not be afraid to vibe check you into oblivion. They will stage a coup and forcibly remove you from the aux in your own home. The aux is the most important part of any event. If you can’t perform the simple task of playing music, then maybe you shouldn’t be allowed to listen to music. Figure it out, moron; it all depends on you. Follow the rules and you too can survive.
