Like countless Americans, I have recently become a slave to the 24-hour news cycle. As I compulsively refresh Twitter or flick on the television, my heart braces for the worst. Such is the emotional tailspin that is the NFL free agency period.
Society as we know it has entered uncharted territory, and professional football is a perfect example. This offseason has brought a restructured playoff format, an abundance of coaching turnover and massive shifts in power throughout the league.
Caught amid a crisis, people crave any modicum of lightheartedness. Fortunately, despite its myriad jarring revelations, March provided a few sources of hope moving forward.
The lovable losers have a shot
If you followed the Indianapolis Colts in 2019, perhaps you were reminded of a baby giraffe attempting to walk. Whenever it appeared the Colts had found their footing, a devastating blow would invariably send them tumbling to the dirt.
Franchise quarterback Andrew Luck’s abrupt retirement before week one was a gut punch. Watching the supposedly unflappable Adam Vinatieri regularly miss chip shots was like seeing your dad cry for the first time.
But after a year that jerked as many tears as the opening of a Pixar film, the Colts are primed to thrive. Newly acquired veteran Philip Rivers should feel right at home directing 10 promising yet unripe youngsters on offense, considering he is already a father of nine.
Then toss in about 1,500 pounds of linemen protecting Rivers with a defense that features All-Pros Darius “Maniac” Leonard and DeForest Buckner. The aforementioned infant giraffe suddenly looks far less wobbly and much more bitey.
Another team with a fresh lease on life is the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. For a decade, the Buccaneers have been the runt of a division headlined by generational passing talents in Drew Brees, Matt Ryan and Cam Newton.
It’s as if Tampa Bay was a victim of playground bullying who, tired of being picked on, went and got its big brother to even the odds. That imposing elder sibling is six-time Super Bowl champion Tom Brady.
While the Buccaneers probably aren’t ready to give a stacked Saints squad the avenging atomic wedgie of which every Poindexter in an ‘80s movie dreams, sails have never been fuller in central Florida.
The Patriots might actually be bad
Bundle up, sinners. Brady has left the Patriots, so hell has most assuredly frozen over. At the very least, 2020 will finally reveal whether Brady or head coach Bill Belichick was the special sauce in New England’s recipe for domination.
It is difficult to imagine a Belichick-led cohort operating any differently from a well-oiled machine. The evil empire may be dissolved, but how long until it inevitably strikes back?
For now, though, there is no shortage of vindictive fans who yearn for the Patriots to plummet to the murky depths of their division. When it comes to scavenging, a pack of hungry hyenas has nothing on the AFC East’s success-starved bottom feeders.
Uplifting stories are lovely and all, but little soothes the soul quite like a piping hot cup of schadenfreude.
Some things never change
Song and dance. Horse and carriage. The Chicago Bears and milquetoast quarterbacks. Certain parts of life are just made for each other.
When faced with a rapidly evolving environment, humans seek comfort in constants. Audiences were left aghast at Mitchell Trubisky’s breakout 2018 campaign, but the Bears’ leading man was quick to assuage fears with a lackluster 2019 outing.
Chicago’s front office has redoubled its commitment to offensive impotence by signing Nick Foles, a career backup who now adds the weight of a Super Bowl ring to the benches he rides.
Shuffling an aged Foles into the Bears’ quarterback room is akin to slathering a fresh coat of tan paint on a beige wall. And frankly, I sleep easier knowing however mixed up the world gets, there will always be someone to force throws six yards down Soldier Field.
