Ah, the inevitable March Madness crossover article. Someone always has to try and recontextualize the tournament. This year, I am going to do a literal battle of the bands. If artists were to get into an actual fistfight, who would win? And why?
Maroon 5 vs. Imagine Dragons
Two of the world's biggest radio pop bands. Who wins? Imagine Dragons. Easily.
The lead singer of Imagine Dragons is jacked. He is absolutely torqued. After looking at an image of him I take back every negative thing I’ve ever published about his band as he could totally crack my skull like a walnut.
Maroon 5 may have the numerical advantage. Apparently they have six members after multi-instrumentalist Sam Farrar joined the band in 2016. But, to the public, Maroon 5 is one man, Adam Levine. I only know Sam Farrar’s name because I had to research the number of band members for this column. I will certainly forget his name right after I send this up to management.
Adam Levine will be getting stamped out like a summer bonfire while the other members of the band are running samples through Pro Tools and messing around with a trombone.
Wallows vs. COIN
Wallows, the scrappy youngsters fronted by Clay Jensen from “13 Reasons Why” or COIN, the sugary sweet, alt-pop band?
This one is tough. Both groups have three members. Both make easily-digestible, melodic indie rock. Every song is infused with a spritely, youthful energy. Every song feels like an endless summer.
Both of these bands look like they would be terrible at fighting. A few punches would be thrown and then they would call a truce. Hopefully, things would end with a collab. That would be pretty tight.
Arctic Monkeys vs. the 1975
Two legends of 2013 Tumblr. The British bastions of crossover pop hits.
This is another fight that doesn’t seem like it would be particularly close. I really do love the 1975, but based on Arctic Monkeys’ entire catalogue, I think there’s more of a viscous energy there.
With more straightforward rock tracks like “You Probably Couldn’t See for the Lights but You Were Staring Straight at Me” and “From the Ritz to the Rubble,” Arctic Monkeys would dismantle the 1975.
The Killers vs. The National
The Killers are winning this one. The National would wave a white flag immediately and then sit around and talk about a bunch of really upsetting things.
MGMT vs. Passion Pit
This one is tough. Both make danceable, exciting synthpop. Both have had songs in a FIFA game, which is a bizarre sign that they’ve crossed over to the mainstream. But I think MGMT has this one.
I feel like they’d win by tapping into some bizarre, otherworldly powers. They’d be flying around and shooting lasers from their eyes like Superman. One time I listened to “Electric Feel” for two hours straight and I felt like I was on the cusp of levitation and telepathy.
Passion Pit is great. They’ve made some incredible tracks, but I feel like MGMT made some deal with the devil so they could make the beat to “Kids.” They’ve got to have some dark powers or something.
