Across the country, every single day, someone is subjected to obscenely terrible music by their local grocery store. Grocery stores always have the worst, most offensive easy-listening playlists.
They play the weirdest stuff. The net they’re casting is too wide, whipping you around like you’re in a speeding car without a seatbelt. Once, at Kroger, they went from Bruno Mars to Nickelback back to Bruno Mars then immediately to Maroon 5. There is no flow. There’s no sense of whimsy or excitement, it’s just the blandest most obviously terrible songs.
Every time I get to the grocery store, only to realize I’ve forgotten my headphones, I just turn around and go home.
But no more. I am the main character of my life. It’s time I started acting like it and stopped letting the grocery store music supervisor push me around like a bully in a film adaptation of a Stephen King novel. It’s time I take a stand and make the ultimate grocery store playlist. One that makes the shopping experience romantic and exciting, not laborious.
Here is my playlist of tracks that’ll make you feel like the main character while you shop:
“I Follow” by CASTLEBEAT
Every good soundtrack requires one lofi pop song.
There’s just something so warm, so inviting about this track. It’s comforting. It’s nostalgic, in a good way. Listening to it fills me with an almost indescribable joy.
It’s the perfect soundtrack song. It sets a breezy mood. It’s emotive, but not overwhelmingly so. It’s bouncy, sweet and delightfully simple.
“claws” by Charli XCX
Secretly, everyone is obsessed with being the hottest person in the grocery store. Even if it’s not consistently running across your mind like a news ticker at the bottom of a broadcast, you’re thinking about it subconsciously.
“Claws” –– or any Charli XCX song, honestly –– will make you feel like the hottest person in the grocery store.
“Thinning” by Snail Mail
“Thinning” feels like it could be used in any coming-of-age film in the last ten years. Crunchy guitars, understated percussion and Lindsey Jordan’s electric vocals coalesce, ballooning with spritely energy.
When Jordan sings, “I don’t think there’s anything wrong,” you believe her, even if Kroger is out of ripe avocados so you can’t make dinner.
“Tennis Court” by Lorde
When in the grocery store, one should always maintain a rigid energy, maintain an aura that you should not be spoken to. I hate talking to people at the grocery store. I hate being perceived by those around me.
Listening to “Tennis Court” makes you feel unapproachable. You can buy your snacks in peace and be on your way.
“Blue Hoodie Baby” by Brotherkenzie
The opening guitar riffs in this song are so good. There’s an unfiltered joy in the simple, repeating keys. As the song builds, you’re overwhelmed by peace. When the chorus hits, you’ll feel invincible. It’s pure sunshine.
“The First Cut is the Deepest” by Sheryl Crow
They play this at my local Kroger back home. This one can stay. Shoutout to the music supervisor of the State Street Kroger in New Albany, Indiana.
